The Hard Life of a Bearded Man

beards1

Everyone finds something about themselves to justify playing the victim once in a while. You see it all over Facebook, Twitter, and the like. The whole “woe is me!” bit. I honestly scoff at 90% of the gripes you see on these social networking sites. No one feels bad that you had to wait a whole extra 10 minutes for your food at Chipotle. No one cares that the jerk cut you off in traffic. I certainly do not sympathize with someone who is “sick of the weather”. I feel nothing for these people.

I, however, deserve your sympathy. I am truly a victim. Please, gather ’round and feel sorry for me. For I, Gregory, am a bearded man.

I have had a beard for over a year now and I am constantly being attacked because of it. The questions, the comments, even the complaints, are unceasing. So I have chosen to write this blog post to address the typical questions and comments I receive on a daily basis. If someone chooses to ask me something on the list again, I will simply refer them to this post. And any of you that read this wonderful post are hereby forbidden from ever bringing up these questions/comments again in my presence.

1) Is it real?
I am offended by this question. The insinuation is that I either painted it on or received a “beard transplant” (which I heard is an actual thing). I won’t even dignify this question with an answer.

2) Can I touch it?
Dear God, no. Your hands are filthy. Go away.

3) Does your fiancée hate it?
I am a man! I live by my own rules! No woman tells me what to do! …

…I’m kidding. If Christine told me to shave it immediately, I would do so. I am so whipped. But, lucky for me, she loves my beard. And so I have just four words to say to all you men whose wives/girlfriends have forbidden you from growing a beard: sucks to be you!

4) Does it itch?
Let me answer that by asking you this: does it matter? I look awesome.

5) Does it get too hot in the summer?
Let me answer that by asking you this: does it matter? I look awesome.

6) Will you ever shave it?
When I’m good and ready. And not a second earlier.

I saved my most despised question/comment for last…

7) Do you watch Duck Dynasty?
Every person who asks me this thinks they’re hilarious. I have news for you. You’re not. You’re the 100th person to say it. Very unoriginal. Plus, do you really think I look like this????
Duck-Dynasty

 

I understand that like with any victim, there comes a time where you can no longer wallow in self-pity, but instead pull yourself up by your bootstraps, stop being sorry for yourself, and move on. Well, I’m not going to do that yet. I am not ready to move on. I’m going to milk this for as long as I can. For now, I will continue to be a bearded, pity party-hosting victim.

I am willing, however, to accept new, unique, and legitimate beard-based questions or comments. Show me what you got!

 

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I Put the “Best” in Best Man

Best man picMy brother’s wedding was this past weekend. It was pretty nice. The whole thing went very well. No fights, blow-ups, crazy drama, or scandals. In other words, boring. But there were some highlights! The food was superb, the location was excellent, and the best man was inspirational. I may be slightly biased on that last one because, you see, I was the best man.

And boy, did I crush it. I think the whole “best man” role is under-appreciated. The majority of the focus is on the bride and it causes a trickle-down effect favoring the female gender. Everyone thinks of the bride first, which in turn makes you think of the maid of honor, and then the other bridesmaids, and then the mother of the bride, etc, etc. The focus is completely on the women. Meanwhile, the groom and his posse over there just got the shaft in the attention department.

But as men, we just need to take it, right? Real men don’t whine when people aren’t paying them attention! If no one notices us, it means we’re doing our jobs correctly. You can apply that to every situation, including weddings.

So what exactly do you have to do to be a top notch best man? Considering I’m an expert now, I’ve put together a simple list of dos and don’ts. Follow this and you’ll not only be a great best man, but you’ll also keep the groom from getting into trouble.

1) No strippers. I apologize that I have to begin with this, but I’m obligated to. There is a shockingly large number of men who think it’s awesome to have a stripper at the bachelor party. It is not awesome. It’s the furthest thing from awesome. My religious beliefs have a lot do with why I personally disapprove of them, but even if you’re as atheist as they come, real men avoid strippers. Why? Because your need to see a stripper reveals how unhappy and dissatisfied with your life. I’ll try to not to get any more serious, but simply put, needing a stripper is just plain sad.

2) Hold on to the groom’s phone for the entirety of the bachelor party. It’s just better that way. We don’t want any drunken dials to his bride-to-be.

3) Don’t screw up the wedding toast. Say something nice, keep it short, don’t embarrass the groom, and you’ll do great.

4) Keep the groomsmen in line. You got picked to be the best man because you’re close to the groom and you can be trusted to handle things. The groomsmen are just crazy, unpredictable, and probably annoying dudes that the groom had to pick because his bride wanted a lot of bridesmaids. Just make sure they keep their shirts tucked in, aren’t late, and don’t get too plastered, Things should be ok then.

5) Keep the groom busy before the wedding. The poor guy is a wreck. This is one of the most nerve-wracking moments of his life. Distract him with a round of golf the morning of, or video games, or whatever. It’ll keep his mind off of the wedding. Just keep him sober. Please, please keep him sober.

6) Obey the women. The reason this list is so short is because the various women involved with the wedding will be bossing you around about everything else. You can’t screw anything up because those crazy females would destroy you and you actually care about your life.

That’s it. Easy, right? Us best men have a very simple, but important job. You got this, no problem. You’ll be the best best man ever. Just remember to thank your lucky stars that you weren’t born a woman and you don’t have to be a maid of honor.