The Hard Life of a Bearded Man

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Everyone finds something about themselves to justify playing the victim once in a while. You see it all over Facebook, Twitter, and the like. The whole “woe is me!” bit. I honestly scoff at 90% of the gripes you see on these social networking sites. No one feels bad that you had to wait a whole extra 10 minutes for your food at Chipotle. No one cares that the jerk cut you off in traffic. I certainly do not sympathize with someone who is “sick of the weather”. I feel nothing for these people.

I, however, deserve your sympathy. I am truly a victim. Please, gather ’round and feel sorry for me. For I, Gregory, am a bearded man.

I have had a beard for over a year now and I am constantly being attacked because of it. The questions, the comments, even the complaints, are unceasing. So I have chosen to write this blog post to address the typical questions and comments I receive on a daily basis. If someone chooses to ask me something on the list again, I will simply refer them to this post. And any of you that read this wonderful post are hereby forbidden from ever bringing up these questions/comments again in my presence.

1) Is it real?
I am offended by this question. The insinuation is that I either painted it on or received a “beard transplant” (which I heard is an actual thing). I won’t even dignify this question with an answer.

2) Can I touch it?
Dear God, no. Your hands are filthy. Go away.

3) Does your fiancée hate it?
I am a man! I live by my own rules! No woman tells me what to do! …

…I’m kidding. If Christine told me to shave it immediately, I would do so. I am so whipped. But, lucky for me, she loves my beard. And so I have just four words to say to all you men whose wives/girlfriends have forbidden you from growing a beard: sucks to be you!

4) Does it itch?
Let me answer that by asking you this: does it matter? I look awesome.

5) Does it get too hot in the summer?
Let me answer that by asking you this: does it matter? I look awesome.

6) Will you ever shave it?
When I’m good and ready. And not a second earlier.

I saved my most despised question/comment for last…

7) Do you watch Duck Dynasty?
Every person who asks me this thinks they’re hilarious. I have news for you. You’re not. You’re the 100th person to say it. Very unoriginal. Plus, do you really think I look like this????
Duck-Dynasty

 

I understand that like with any victim, there comes a time where you can no longer wallow in self-pity, but instead pull yourself up by your bootstraps, stop being sorry for yourself, and move on. Well, I’m not going to do that yet. I am not ready to move on. I’m going to milk this for as long as I can. For now, I will continue to be a bearded, pity party-hosting victim.

I am willing, however, to accept new, unique, and legitimate beard-based questions or comments. Show me what you got!

 

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